A Quark of A Different Spin. (adameros) wrote,
A Quark of A Different Spin.
adameros

Some religious fun from _flyonthewall_:

God's Quality Assurance questionnaire

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

  1. How did you find out about your deity?
    __ Newspaper
    __ Bible
    __ Torah
    __ Television
    __ Book of Mormon
    __ Divine Inspiration
    __ Dead Sea Scrolls
    __ My Mama Done Tol' Me
    __ Near Death Experience
    __ Near Life Experience
    __ National Public Radio
    __ Tabloid
    __ Burning Shrubbery
    __ Other (specify): _____________

  2. Which model deity did you acquire?
    __ Yahweh
    __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
    __ Jehovah
    __ Jesus
    __ Krishna
    __ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
    __ Odin and entourage [Valhallah Pak]
    __ Allah
    __ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
    __ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god

  3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

    __ Yes __ No

    If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply:

    __ Not eternal
    __ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos
    __ Not omniscient
    __ Not omnipotent
    __ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
    __ Permits sex outside of marriage
    __ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
    __ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera; Paul Iannone)
    __ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
    __ Looks after life other than that on Earth (particularly that galaxy in Virgo that's full of Jews)
    __ When beseeched, He doesn't stay beseeched
    __ Requires burnt offerings
    __ Requires virgin sacrifices


  4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity? Please check all that apply.
    __ Indoctrinated by parents
    __ Needed a reason to live
    __ Indoctrinated by society
    __ Needed focus in whom to despise
    __ Imaginary friend grew up
    __ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
    __ Hate to think for myself
    __ Wanted to meet girls/boys
    __ Fear of death
    __ Wanted to piss off parents
    __ Couldn't see why Geraldo should exist
    __ Needed a day away from work
    __ Desperate need for certainty
    __ Like Organ Music
    __ Need to feel Morally Superior
    __ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
    __ @#%$ was falling out of the sky
    __ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

  5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
    __ Mick Jagger
    __ Cthulhu
    __ Baal
    __ The Almighty Dollar
    __ Bill Gates
    __ Left Wing Liberalism
    __ The Radical Right
    __ Ra
    __ Beelzebub
    __ Barney T.B.P.D.
    __ The Great Spirit
    __ The Great Pumpkin
    __ The Sun
    __ Elvis
    __ Cindy Crawford
    __ The Moon
    __ A burning shrubbery
    __ Other: ________________

  6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
    __ Duran Duran
    __ Tarot
    __ Lottery
    __ Astrology
    __ Television
    __ Fortune cookies
    __ Ann Landers
    __ Psychic Friends Network
    __ Dianetics
    __ Palmistry
    __ Playboy and/or Playgirl
    __ Self-help books
    __ Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll
    __ Biorhythms
    __ Alcohol
    __ Bill Clinton
    __ Tea Leaves
    __ EST
    __ CompuServe
    __ Mantras
    __ Jimmy Swaggert
    __ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
    __ Human Sacrifice
    __ Pyramids
    __ Wandering around a desert
    __ Insurance policies
    __ Burning Shrubbery
    __ Barney T.B.P.D.
    __ Barney Fife
    __ Other:_____________________
    __ None

  7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
    1. More Divine Intervention
    2. Less Divine Intervention
    3. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
    4. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?

  8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
    1. Disasters:
      flood1 2 3 4 5
      famine1 2 3 4 5
      earthquake1 2 3 4 5
      war1 2 3 4 5
      pestilence1 2 3 4 5
      plague1 2 3 4 5
      SPAM1 2 3 4 5
      AOL1 2 3 4 5


    2. Miracles:
      rescues1 2 3 4 5
      spontaneous remissions1 2 3 4 5
      stars hovering over jerkwater towns1 2 3 4 5
      crying statues1 2 3 4 5
      water changing to wine1 2 3 4 5
      walking on water1 2 3 4 5
      VCRs that set their own clocks1 2 3 4 5
      Saddam Hussein still alive1 2 3 4 5
      getting any sex whatsoever1 2 3 4 5


  9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):

If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by December 30 you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approximately one in 6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power, depending on number of beings entered.
Subscribe

  • Post a new comment

    Error

    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your IP address will be recorded 

  • 1 comment