May 2nd, 2002

Ceci n'est pas une personne.

(no subject)

From TeenMag.com, followed by my commentary.

10 THINGS GUYS NEVER WANT TO HEAR

According to a TEEN poll -- the following are things make guys cringe. (Decide for yourselves whether that matters to you or whether you'd rather not censor your thoughts, thank you very much!)

  1. "I'm friends with all of my ex-boyfriends." That's great. Maybe we can invite one of them out with us on Friday. Yeah, right. On one hand, guys want to be happy with this statement. After all, it's comforting to know that when you decide you're done with us, we can still have cappuccinos together occasionally. On the other hand, unless we are 100 percent sure of ourselves, most guys perceive another male as a threat, especially if at one time he was good enough to win you over. And what is with the "all of my ex-boyfriends"? Like, are we just going to be another in a long chain of leave-behinds?

    What woman isn't friends with some of her ex's. I think the bigger fear is, "I'm still fuck buddies with some of my ex's."

  2. "You never bring me flowers/call me anymore/[fill in the blank]." That's because we don't have to anymore! Don't you get it? We use up about every ounce of creativity and romance we have during those first few weeks to win you over. Call it courtship, call it scamming, call it whatever; just be sure to call it temporary because there's no way we can keep it going for the life of our relationship. We have to act like Romeo to win your heart, but once we start feeling a little more secure that you'll like us for who we are (and not for what we bring you), we let our guard down. That's why when we hear you say, "You never buy me chocolates anymore," or whatever, we worry that what you're really saying is you liked the courtship (and the chocolates) more than you like us.

    I don't know how to tell you this, but most guys never do this in the first place. You're lucky when they but do the TV remote, let alone do the dishes. That other stuff should be far lower on your priority scale.

  3. "Can we talk?" This means we're toast. What did we do? Get caught looking at another girl? Forget an important day? (Quick: When is her birthday? When is our anniversary?) "Can we talk?" is about as scary to us as seeing the words "See me" on top of an English paper you plagiarized. It means trouble to us. It puts us in defense mode. We might even try to avoid you for a while until we feel that whatever it is we have done wrong is long forgotten. Even if we rack our brains and decide we didn't do anything wrong (at least that you could have found out about), the words "Can we talk?" imply a conversation that we will probably want no part of.

    What? We talk all the time! "Can we talk" means YOU want to be a whiner. Get over it and pass the beer. You bitch about putting up with whiny people all day, don't be a hypocrit.

  4. "I beat you again! Want to play another game?" Yeah, sure; let's play "rip the ego off your male friend." And it's not losing to a girl that most guys have a problem with. It's losing in general. Most guys take losing very hard. Guys are big into competition. Just look at the more common male interests like sports and video games. Competing and winning has been drilled into our brains since birth, so you can understand the obsession, right? If you do kick our butts in a game, don't be surprised if we don't share in your joy.

    This would rock! I LOVE games! I love a challenge. This is why strong women make better significate others. They aren't boring and give in all the time. You wanna take me at Mario Party 3? All the more power to you!

  5. "I tell my best friend everything."And she tells her second-best friend, and she tells her lab partner, who tells her brother, and next thing we know we're being harassed in the locker room for getting teary-eyed while watching Jerry Maguire. Look, most girls are about as good at keeping secrets as guys are. And that's not a good thing. Trust us. There has to be some sacred ground on which we can tread in this relationship, meaning we can feel safe knowing that how we act around you won't be analyzed play-by-play at the next galfest. Especially our arguments. Like, when has a girl's best friend ever sided with the boyfriend? One guy I know was dating a girl and every time she stopped speaking to him, so did her best friend. Think their coupledom lasted past the two-month mark? Not a chance. So, please: Tell your best friend everything but what's going on in our relationship.

    That's fine. Don't get pissy when I tell my best friend everything also. Fair is fair.

  6. "I really think your little tummy bulge is cute." Just because there aren't a zillion magazines out there telling guys how to get great bods doesn't mean that we don't care about our physical appearance. You didn't hear this here, but we're probably just as concerned about being at our physical peak as you are. If you simply must say something, break it to us gently.

    That's not that bad. It's, "That rash you have makes a cute smilie face patern," that bothers me.

  7. "What do you think our future is?" Well, tomorrow I thought we'd go watch the Cowboys game somewhere, and Saturday we're going to that party, and then on Sunday--not what you mean, huh? Why is it that guys freak out when asked to think about relationships in the future tense? I dunno. Why do girls swarm to the bathroom in groups? Seriously, though, even if the thought of no longer dating his girlfriend rips a guy's heart apart, when the conversation heads down the "Where are we going?" highway, most guys want to get off at the first exit. Could be the fear of revealing our feelings and becoming vulnerable. Or maybe we were just programmed that way.

    Our future: We get jobs, we go out. We eventually get married. Have kids. Tell them they are special, so that they actually believe it when reality comes crashing down and they realize they are just more cogs in the machine, just like you and I. But we can go watch a stupid movie, and smoke a bowl, and make out, so we feel special, and for get The Machine for a bit.

  8. "Hayden Christensen is such a babe." While most guys like a little competition every now and then, competing with a guy who actually got to play Romeo on the big screen is a losing proposition. And even though we think saying "Britney Spears is hot" is a pretty harmless statement on our part, when we hear that your heart does not just belong to us, our ego takes a nosedive.

    Who the fuck is Hayden Christensen?

  9. "Do you think she's pretty?" Guys have learned that there is no correct response to questions regarding other girls. I mean, you lose no matter how you reply. Case in point: We say: "Yeah, she's a babe." You say: "I hate you." If we say, "She's OK, but you're much prettier," you say, "You're lying." Get my point? Not even taking the Fifth will help on this one. If the world were a perfect place, you could say "Leonardo diCaprio is a babe" all you wanted to, and we could say "Alicia Silverstone is hot" all we wanted to. But our world is far from perfect.

    Yes. Yes I do. But your the one I love, so how she looks doesn't matter.

  10. "Maybe we should date other people." Really, does anyone ever want to hear this? Didn't think so. As gently as you may be trying to put it, what we hear is, "There are probably better fish in the sea and, well, I'm ready to go fishing." Not easy on the male ego. And let's face it: When you get to the point where you want to date other people, the relationship is pretty much history. Over and done with. Instead of using a line to try to make it easy, just tell it like it is and honestly let us know that you want to end things. But, hey, don't worry--we'll be fine. After all, we'll still be friends, right? Maybe we can even go out for cappuccinos some time.

    Why? If I bore you, and the like, maybe we're wrong foreach other.


Sorry... I HATE these little top ten things stupid teen mags have. So, let's have the top ten reasons teen zines suck:

  1. They write at the 3rd grade level. See Jane. See Jane get a zit. See Janes social circle mock her. See Jane buy $500 in make-up just to fit in.
  2. Every month they recycle the same old shit. See Jane. See Jane get a zit. See Janes social circle mock her. See Jane buy $500 in make-up just to fit in.
  3. The people they interview are spoiled insipid twats. Dear Starlet, How do you know if a boy likes you? Signed Clueless in Seattle. -- Dear Clueless... Oh, like, I'm working on a totally cool movie titled that! Coming out spring 2004. Oh, your, like, question. Ummm.... Well... I know boys like me because all boys like me, and if they don't then they are like, retarded, or something.
  4. They impart unrealistic body ideals. If you want people to like you, you HAVE to have these pants from the new Versace Juniors line. They come in two sizes, 0 and 1 (for the chunky girls).
  5. They encourage picking a guy based on looks alone. Who is the hotter babe? Teen Star A or Teen Star B? Well, like, the one has a totally fab body, but I hear he has to wax his back. And the other has these, like, amazing eyes, but I hear they are just colored contacts. A is supposed to be very romantic, and a nice guy. B goes through women like crazy, but is awesome in bed. I guess I'll have to be used and thrown aside by B, then I can go for A.
  6. They try to tell you you are beautiful, but at the same time tell you that you need to change your total look. How to apply more make-up than Tammy Faye: You are beautiful. Really you are, deep in side. Too bad no one can see past the acne, moles, thin lips, dull eyes, and boring hair. You will just need to put on three inches of foundation and carve yourself a new look.
  7. They encourage bad social pressures.Breast implants: Are they worse the mediacl risk? Like, totally!
  8. They worship the most shallow of people. Our Humanitarian Award of the Year goes to... Brittney Spears, for her work to better girls self image by encouraging them to get implants.
  9. The belittle world events. Being a young woman in Afganistan, under the Taliban rule, must have, like, totally sucked. I mean, how can you show off your Prada skirt under all those robes?
  10. They make me wonder why I didn't think of this scam first. You are an ugly cow, but if you buy my glossy magazine you will become the most loved girl at your school.


Really... Short of stoning and hitting women, are these Teen Zines any worse in their views that the Taliban? In their view, if you don't weekly pay homage to the designers the like, and spend at least $500, and if you don't slather your face in cosmetics, and if you don't listen to the right music or watch the right movies, then you are obviously a fashion pariah, and should be stoned to death.

It's absoltely asinine that these teen mags are still in business.
Ceci n'est pas une personne.

(no subject)

Obviously this petition is a joke, but some how I think people, in their post 9/11 state of mind would take this seriously. The event not only shook us into action, it shook our brains out of our heads. Oh... Read the signatures. ;)
Ceci n'est pas une personne.

(no subject)

"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you probably have the makings of an excellent legal case. Although of course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser.

"Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our motto is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'"
-- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering"
Ceci n'est pas une personne.

(no subject)

Not anywhere close to what I would have guessed...



Rented Stepchild
(Normal Ignored Dysfunctional Child)

Your inner child is the Rented Stepchild (NIDC) --who the world likes to kick in the head. Abandoned and left adrift you have issues with love, hate and everything in between. With all these issues going against your inner child, he still manages to put the *fun* in dysfunctional: when your inner child wants to laugh, he cries. When he wants to leap, he crumbles. Dance, sit. And so forth.

The cool thing is that all of these problems aren't that unconscious and can be easily "fixed." Simply buy a signifigant other, marry some possesions and then create stepchildren of your own. Pass off your problems to them, inheritance style, and you'll immediately start to feel better!