June 6th, 2002

Ceci n'est pas une personne.

(no subject)

Twelve priests were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, while an incredibly sexy and beautiful, big breasted, model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first priest, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest (Father Shan). As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground.

Embarrassed, Father Shan took a few steps forward, and bent over to pick it up.

Just then, all the other bells started to ring..........
Ceci n'est pas une personne.

(no subject)

THINGS TO NEVER SAY TO A COP...

  1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
  2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
  3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
  4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
  5. Are You Andy or Barney?
  6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
  7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
  8. I pay your salary!
  9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
  10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
  11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
  12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
Ceci n'est pas une personne.

(no subject)

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the restroom. A few moments later a loud, blood, curdling scream is heard coming from the restroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes to the restroom door to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring the customers." "I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my BALLS!" With that, the bartender opens the door and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!"
Ceci n'est pas une personne.

(no subject)

Aphorisms

  1. Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
  2. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
  3. If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
  4. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
  5. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
  6. I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.
  7. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
  8. We cannot change the direction of the wind but we can adjust our sails.
  9. days are a total waste of makeup.
  10. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by you again?
  11. If the shoe fits......buy it in every color.
  12. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
  13. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
  14. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  15. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  16. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
  17. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
  18. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
  19. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
  20. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
  21. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
  22. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  23. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel soooooo goooooood.
  24. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
  25. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
  26. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Ceci n'est pas une personne.

(no subject)

NEW EMPLOYEES RULES

SICKDAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 and Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the workis done.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy; normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada shoes and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

Management
Ceci n'est pas une personne.

(no subject)

Good news and bad....

First, the bad: Dee Dee Ramone of The Ramones is dead.

Now the good news. Another round of Who's Next? A lively game of picking the next to bite it. They say celebrities die in threes. Dee Dee is number one. Now you, the studio audience, name who you think the next two are. You get three picks.

I'll start:

  • Bob Hope
  • Little Richard
  • Dick Clark


Who are your picks?

I'll post the deaths here as they happen. If I miss any, please point them out to me.

Happy corpse spotting!
Ceci n'est pas une personne.

(no subject)

I love the Gourds cover of Snoop Dogg's Gin n' Juice.

Have a listen and sing along (even if you don't like Snoop, this is worth a listen. It'll probably have you laughing your ass off):

With so much drama in the L-B-C
It's kinda hard bein Snoop D-O-double-G
But I, somehow, some way
Keep comin up with funky ass s**t like every single day
May I, kick a little something for the G's (yeah)
and, make a few ends as (yeah!) I breeze, through
Two in the mornin and the party's still jumpin
cause my momma ain't home
I got b***hes in the living room gettin it on
and, they ain't leavin til six in the mornin (six in the mornin)
So what you wanna do, sheeeit
I got a pocket full of rubbers and my homeboys do too
So turn off the lights and close the doors
But (but what) we don't love them hoes, yeah!
So we gonna smoke a ounce to this
G's up, hoes down, while you motherf**kers bounce to this

Chorus: repeat 2X

Rollin down the street, smokin indo, sippin on gin and juice
Laid back [with my mind on my money and my money on my mind]

Verse Two:

Now, that, I got me some Seagram's gin
Everybody got they cups, but they ain't chipped in
Now this types of s**t, happens all the time
You got to get yours but fool I gotta get mine
Everything is fine when you listenin to the D-O-G
I got the cultivating music that be captivating he
who listens, to the words that I speak
As I take me a drink to the middle of the street
and get to mackin to this b***h named Sadie (Sadie?)
She used to be the homeboy's lady (Oh, that b***h)
Eighty degrees, when I tell that b***h please
Raise up off these N-U-T's, cause you gets none of these
At ease, as I mob with the Dogg Pound, feel the breeze
beeeitch, I'm just

Chorus

Verse Three:

Later on that day
My homey Dr. Dre came through with a gang of Tanqueray
And a fat ass J, of some bubonic chronic that made me choke
s**t, this ain't no joke
I had to back up off of it and sit my cup down
Tanqueray and chronic, yeah I'm f**ked up now
But it ain't no stoppin, I'm still poppin
Dre got some b***hes from the city of Compton
To serve me, not with a cherry on top
Cause when I bust my nut, I'm raisin up off the cot
Don't get upset girl, that's just how it goes
I don't love you hoes, I'm out the do'
And I'll be

Chorus

Rollin down the street, smokin indo, sippin on gin and juice (beeotch!!)
Laid back [with my mind on my money and my money on my mind]
Rollin down the street, smokin indo, sippin on gin and juice (beeotch!!)
Laid back [with my mind on my money and my money on my mind]
Ceci n'est pas une personne.

(no subject)

Woo Hoo!!! MY boss has Given AJ and I permission to go to the movies tomorrow. We're going to go see either Star Wars or Spiderman. Anyone want to tag a long?
Ceci n'est pas une personne.

(no subject)

With this post. My 16th today, I break my previous record of 15 posts in one day, recorded March 8th 2001. Just out of curiousity, what is the most posts by a sigle person in a single day that you have seen? Who is the Barry Bonds of LJ, slamming home entry after entery? I know I'm just a rookie compared to some of the LJ obsessed out there.

Will this madness ever end?