August 28th, 2002

Ceci n'est pas une personne.

(no subject)

Q: What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?
A: Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in a while, you luck out and get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

This one is for all of you who either:
  1. have kids,
  2. had kids who have now grown,
  3. was a kid
  4. know a kid!

Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Dad, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong honey?" She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

Ceci n'est pas une personne.

(no subject)

A neat feature in Meat Katie's new cd, Beyond the Darkness. This CD was obviously intended for people who mix with cd or mp3. Most of the tracks end very abruptly, and this annoyed me until I relized it was so you could loop the whole track, and the end meshes with the beginning of the same track. Cool shit.
Ceci n'est pas une personne.

(no subject)

The following ad in The Atlanta Journal is reported to have
received numerous calls.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy.

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane
Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever.
Ceci n'est pas une personne.

(no subject)

You'll certainly feel smarter after you read these quotes!

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," -Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part ofyour life," -Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president," -Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -A congressional candidate in Texas

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -Al Gore, former Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -Dan Quayle

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another" -George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version,"- Colonel Oliver North from his Iran-Contra testimony

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," -Joe Theismann, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -Bill Clinton, ex-President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."- Al Gore,former VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."- Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -Department of Social Services,
Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -Mark
S.Fowler, FCC Chairman
Ceci n'est pas une personne.

(no subject)

Normally I wouldn't send something like this to you, but it's not too much trouble, and we all generally like to help others as long as their requests aren't too demanding. So, I thought I would tell you about this charity.

It is similar to sponsoring a malnourished child from another country.

However, this charity deals with something equally important as a good meal -- clothing. You can help sponsor a child like the one in the photo I've attached. Rather than throwing out your old jeans, donate them so that they may be used to help someone the same way they helped the little girl in the picture. Please, don't delete this email, it is important to spread the word and help those less fortunate than us. This could be the first step to a better world for everyone. Please give generously.

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