November 11th, 2002

Ceci n'est pas une personne.

(no subject)

More jokes from my Dad...

This story happened about a month ago near a little town in Mexico.. and though it starts to sound like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

On a pitch dark night in the height of a raging storm, an unfortunate
man slowly trudged along the side of a road hoping to hitch a ride from a sympathetic stranger. The collar of his duster coat was hiked up close around his neck and his wide-brimmed hat yanked down tight on his head.

As the night thundered on, no cars traveled by on the lonely road. The storm was now so fierce and rain so thick he could barely see but a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw the lights of a car coming towards him and slowly come to a stop.

The man without thinking ran to it and jumped in. He shut the door, only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel. The car started ahead slowly; >and soon he peered out at the rugged road, spotting a dangerous curve coming his way. Thoroughly frightened, he started to pray and begged for his life.

He hadn't come out of shock, when just before the car teetered over the edge, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The hombre, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared at each sharp turn in the road.

Gathering strength, the man finally jumped out of the car and, stumbling, ran toward dimly flickering lights of a nearby village. Soaking wet and in utter shock, he pushed open the door of a small cantina and, gasping, asked for two shots of tequila. Drained and white with fright, he started telling the bartender and startled customers about his horrifying experience. A sudden silence dropped, as they realized the poor man was sobbing..and wasn't drunk.

Soon, out of the raging storm two drenched hombres slogged into the same cantina. Looking up and taking off his hat, one quickly said to the other. "Look Pepe, that's the gringo who got in the car when we were pushing it!"

Sadam funnies

Penis Song

Ceci n'est pas une personne.

(no subject)

Just for lyrina.

Racing for Everyman

I borrowed my wife's Geo Metro last night. One liter of raw power, 3 cylinders of asphalt-tearing terror on thirteen-inch rims. It's stock, alright, nothing done to it, but it pushes the barely 2000 pounds of metro around with AUTHORITY. I'm always catching mopeds and 18-wheelers by surprise...

I was headed back from Baskin Robbins with my manly triple-latte cappuccino blast ("No Cinnamon, ma'am, I take it BLACK"), when I stopped at a streetlight. As the Metro throbbed its throaty idle around me, I sipped my bold beverage and wiped the white froth my stiff upper lip. I was minding my own business, but then I heard a rev from the next lane. I turned, made eye contact, then let my eyes trace over the competition. Ford Festiva -- a late model, could be trouble. Low profile tires, curb feelers, and schoolbus-yellow paint. Yep, a hot rod, for sure.

The howl of his motor snapped my reverie, and I looked back into the driver's eyes, nodded, then blipped my own throttle. As I tugged on my driving gloves and slipped on my sunglasses (gotta look cool to be fast, and I am *damn* cool, hence...), the night was split with the sound of seven screaming cylinders...

Then the light turned... I almost had him out of the hole, my three pounding cylinders thrusting me at least a millimeter back into my seat, as smoke pouring from my front right tire... my unlimited slip differential was letting me down! I saw in the corner of my eyes, a yellow snout gaining, and I heard the roar of his four cylinders. He slung by me, right front wheel juddering against the pavement, and he flashed me a smile as his .7 extra liters of motor stretched its legs. I kept my foot gamely in it, though, waiting for the CHECK ENGINE light to blink on in the one-gauge (no tachometer here!) instrument panel. I saw a glimpse of chrome under his bumper, and knew the ugly truth... He was running a custom exhaust -- probably a 2-into-1 dual exhaust...maybe event cutouts! Damn his hot-rod soul! The old lady passing us on the crosswalk cast a dirty look in our boy-racer direction...

Yet still I persisted, with my three pumping pistons singing a heady high-pitched song, wound fully out. Though only a few handfuls of seconds had passed, we were nearing the crosswalk at the other side of the intersection, and I heard the note of his engine change as he made his shift to second, and I saw his grin in his rearview mirror fade as he missed the shift! I rocketed by, shifting, and nursed the clutch gently in to keep from bogging, keeping my motor spinning hot and pulling me ahead, now trailing a cloud of stinking clutch smoke. Not ready to give up so easily, he left his foot in it, revving, and I heard one wheel *almost* chirp as he finally found second and dropped the clutch. We careened over the crosswalk, now going at least 15 miles per hour. A bicyclist passed us, but intent on the race as we were, neither of us batted an eye.

He pulled slowly abreast of me, and neck and neck, we made the shift to third, the scream of motors deafening all pedestrians within a five foot circle. He nosed ahead as we passed 30 miles an hour, then eased in front of me, taunting, as we shifted into fourth. I was staring up the dual 6" chrome tips of his exhaust, snarling, my cappuccino forgotten, as he lifted a little to take the next corner.

I saw my opportunity, and counting on the innate agility of my trusty steed, I pulled wide into the number two lane and kept my foot buried in carpet. Slowly, I inched around him, feeling my Metro roll slowly to the left as I came abreast in the midst of this gradual sweeping turn. I felt the Geo ease onto its suspension stops, and felt the right rear wheel slowly leave the ground - no matter, though, because my drive wheels, up front, were pulling me through the corner, and around the Festiva ...

The Ford driver beat his wheel in rage as my wife's car eased past him on the outside, my P165/54R13's screaming in protest, as we raced to the next light. We coasted down, neck-and neck, to the red light. I tightened my driving gloves, ready for another round, when this WIMP in the next car meekly flipped his turn signal and made a right. Chevy (Suzuki) superiority reigns!!!

I drove off sipping my masculine drink, awash in my sheer virility, looking for other unwitting targets.... Perhaps a Yugo, or maybe even a Volkswagon Van!
Ceci n'est pas une personne.

(no subject)

From kaizersoze125:

What I learned from porn...

  1. Women wear high heels to bed.
  2. Men are never impotent.
  3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
  4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
  5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
  6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
  7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
  8. Women always orgasm when men do.
  9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.
  10. All women are noisy ****s.
  11. People in the 70s couldn't **** unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
  12. Those tits are real.
  13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
  14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
  15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!)
  16. Double penetration makes women smile.
  17. Asian men don't exist.
  18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.
  19. There's a plot.
  20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.
  21. Nurses suck patient's cocks.
  22. Men always pull out.
  23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before ****ing the both of you.
  24. Women never have headaches... or periods.
  25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".
  26. Assholes are clean.
  27. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
  28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there.
  29. Men don't have to beg.
  30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.