November 8th, 2003

Ceci n'est pas une personne.

(no subject)

This is just an observation of mine. Please feel free to correct me. I promise to listen to your comments, even though we all know I'm right.

Have you noticed, on livejournal and other blog/bulletin-board services who people will plea for sex? While sometimes girls do this, it seems to mostly be a guy thing. A guy thing that does not work, and I'm here to explain why.

Like most guys, I have heard women complain that they are lonely, they want sex, and there is just no one available. This is easily misunderstood. I know you are thinking, "I'm not bad looking, and I'm a nice guy." That's not what they are looking for when they make that statement. Let's run it through the Bubbler Fish * translator and see what they are really saying; "There is no uber rich guy out there who looks like Brad Pit (or other male diva of your choice) who will wait on my hand and foot and loves to go shoe shopping with me." An easy testosterone mistake to make.

I think another part of the problem lies in mens misunderstanding the role shoe play in womens live. Women, like men, have a hunter gather instinct. It comes out when shoe shopping. When they see "Shoe Sale", it stirs this instinct. While you might think seeing a guy waving a sign that says "Booty Sale" might stir the same emotions, it does not. You see, when a woman goes to a shoe sale, there is the challenge of finding the right shoe, the heat of battling with other shoppers, and the pleasure for forcing some guy to literally wait on you hand and foot (his hand, her foot), and finally the conquest of the getting the perfect pair of shoes (that match only one outfit, and will be worn maybe three times in her life, and cost more than four full clothing ensembles, but it was on sale so that makes it okay). When she see's the "booty sale" sign, she only observes one lonely sad guy, no challenge and no hunt. Yes, there are similarities. She will walk on shoes. She will walk all over you (not in the cool asian massage sort of way, but rather the "you are the spineless twit" sort of way). But trust me, you will never rank as highly as a Nine West or Steve Madden sale. Never.

But going back to the hunter gather aspect. When you offer yourself up for a booty call to who ever, it sends signals of desperation. Signal like a like a wounded animal gives off. While carrion eaters love this, hunters/predators like any self respecting woman is what's fresh, untainted meat. When you plea, your meat looks rotten to the core. You might be thinking you could go for the pity fuck? Forget it. The pity fuck is just a myth.

So please, do yourself a favor, do not post messages like, "Any hot women up for sex? My place tonight!" And don't think you can be sly about it, and post messages like, "Damn I'm good in bed! You know you want to try my 9 inch wonder." Women are too smart to fall for that. And you will just be further embarrassed when you try to explain the 9 is |33+ for 4.

Really, there are only two legal routes to sex. Win the lottery, get a complete make over, and liposuction, then buy her lots of stuff and learn to enjoy shoe shopping. Or become a rock star.

*Bubbler Fish translator is just like AltaVista's Babble Fish translator, but only after a couple good hits off the bubbler.