February 27th, 2004

Ceci n'est pas une personne.

(no subject)

Don't blame me, it's heireditory (I got them from my Dad).

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Brewster, the Rooster

Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Zeb's time; so, Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell had not rung at all! Zeb went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

BUT, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair.

Brewster was an overnight sensation.

The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize but also the Pulletsurprise.

[Editor: Have you ever noticed the number if items in funny/amusing lists are multiples of five, and bad-news/boring lists are not? Perhaps humor IS mathmatical!]

In a Catholic elementary school, kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected.

  1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
  2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
  3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
  4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
  5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
  6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
  7. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
  8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.
  9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
  10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
  11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
  12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
  13. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
  14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
  15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
  16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
  17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
  18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
  19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone.
  20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
  21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
  22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
  23. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
  24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
  25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
Ceci n'est pas une personne.

(no subject)

I'm sure most, if not all, of you have read a MAD Magazine at some point in your life. Remember wgi they had that back page, where you would look at it and see one image, then fold it on the lines and get a whole new image? (Like this but vertical or horizontal folds instead diagnal.)

I wonder how hard it would be to make webapages that do the same thing. You would load the first page in one window, then open the proper page in the second window, line the windows up, and get a whole new and amusing page.

I will have to think/drink on this.
Ceci n'est pas une personne.

(no subject)

I think I need to go into show business and remake a few stories. A couple of ones I would like to "update" and reintroduce...

  • The Weird Side Story
  • Hello Dolly! (As in the sheep, with such songs as "Ewe R Silly")
  • The Pirates of Penis ("I am the very model of a modern major bugger-all")

And more in the future.
Ceci n'est pas une personne.

(no subject)

Hmmm... Maybe I should just start a write-in campaign to get Hunter S. Thompson elected as President?

That would make for a very interesting 4 years...