March 16th, 2006

Ceci n'est pas une personne.

(no subject)


Hey," said a new arrival in the pub, "I've got some great Irish jokes."
"Before you start," said the big bloke in the corner, "I'm Irish."
"Don't worry," said the newcomer, "I'll tell them slowly."

An Irishman proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day and gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. On learning it wasn't real, she protested vehemently about his cheapness.
"It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day" he smiled. "I gave you a sham rock."

One dark night, as a group of American tourists huddled in Nelly's, a well-known pub in Killarney, Ireland, a local Irishman sidled up to one of them and proposed a scheme to sell a cure for leprosy.
"I'm sorry," said the American stiffly, "I'm not Irish. I don't believe in leper cons."

Mick staggered home in the wee small hours after a heavy night out with his mates. When he woke up the next morning, he found he was in bed with the dog beside him in his wife's place.
"Glory be!" said Mick. " I must have been really drunk when I got home. I thought there was a lot of noise when I threw the dog out!"

A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first,
"What's your name and address?"
"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address."
The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question.
"I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

Two Irishmen had filled a cart with hay and were driving it out of the field onto a narrow road and into the path of an oncoming car.
The car driver jammed on his brakes just in time and swerved into the field they had just left.
"Thank the Lord," said one Irishman to the other. "We only just got out of that field in time."

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done,"what was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman, "me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding.The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

The mistress of a big English house called her Irish maid and pointed out the dust still on top of the piano.
"Mary," she said, "I could write my name in this dust."
Mary responded, "Aye, isn't education a grand thing, ma'am!"

Seamus and Mick were walking in the woods when they came
across a sign saying, 'Tree Fellers Wanted.'
Seamus said, "Ye know Mick, it's a shame Paddy isn't here. We could ha' gotten the job."

Now the Irish have a new clinic for those who want to stop smoking. It's called Nicotine Anonymous. If you get the urge to smoke, you call them and they send a man over and you get drunk together.

O'Brien was boasting of his grandfather, "He lived for 94 years and never once used glasses!"
"He had the right of it," nodded Sullivan. "I always said it was healthier to drink from the bottle."

A Drunken Irishman
A drunken Irishman is driving through the city of Dublin and his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few miles back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the man. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Ceci n'est pas une personne.

(no subject)

Survivor Oregon style

Due to the popularity of the Survivors shows, Eastern Oregon is planning to do its own, titled "Survivor Oregon Style."

The contestants will start in Pendleton, travel over to Hermiston.

Then they will head down to Heppner, Condon and Madras. From there they will proceed on to Prineville, Redmond and Bend. Then they will go east to Burns, up to John Day and over to Baker City through Sumpter.

From Baker City they will go to LaGrande, Elgin, over to Weston and the final leg will be back to Pendleton.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with California license plates and a large bumper sticker that reads:

"I'm gay. I'm a Vegetarian. Beer is harmful to Your health. Republicans suck. Hillary in 2008. Deer hunting is murder, and I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one that makes it back to Pendleton alive, wins.
Good luck to all contestants.
Ceci n'est pas une personne.

(no subject)


(66% dark & bitter, 33% working class, 33% genuine)

Microbrews, though obscure, are pretty tasty things, and they continually win beer contests. I, personally, have a hard time getting past the hype and the slight air of pretention that surrounds any discussion of "hoppiness," "5-star scales," and the like. But their non-working-classness notwithstanding, Microbrew is one of the best categories on this test: dignified, intelligent, rare.

Personality-wise, you have refined tastes (after all, mircobrews are usually kind of expensive), but you know how to savor what you get. Your personality isn't exactly light and bubbly, but very you're well-liked by your close circle of friends. Your sense of humor is most likely on the dark side, but that's just another way to say sophisticated, right? Just remember to act like a Pabst every once in a while, and you'll be perfect.


My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

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You scored higher than 40% on dark

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You scored higher than 4% on workingclass

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You scored higher than 4% on genuine
Link: The If You Were A Beer Test written by gwendolynbooks on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test