March 7th, 2007

Ceci n'est pas une personne.

(no subject)

From my Dad:

The work of Steven Wright; he's the famously erudite scientist and comic who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do.

Here are some of his gems:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- They don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend.....but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

And my all time favorite:
34 - I intend to live far, so good.
Ceci n'est pas une personne.

(no subject)

I saw something nifty yesterday... You know those cool iPod skins you can buy? You can buy skins where you can have your own graphics printed on them!

Now what to print? This will take so long to decide, I'll probably never get the skin.
Ceci n'est pas une personne.

(no subject)

Meat-loving calf eats chickens
Wed Mar 7, 2007 9:24am ET161

KOLKATA, India (Reuters) - When dozens of chickens went missing from a remote West Bengal village, everyone blamed the neighborhood dogs.

But Ajit Ghosh, the owner of the missing chickens, eventually solved the puzzle when he caught his cow -- a sacred animal for the Hindu family -- gobbling up several of them at night.

"We were shocked to see our calf eating chickens alive," Ghosh told Reuters by phone from Chandpur village.

The family decided to stand guard at night on Monday at the cow shed which also served as a hen coop, after 48 chickens went missing in a month.

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"Instead of the dogs, we watched in horror as the calf, whom we had fondly named Lal, sneak to the coop and grab the little ones with the precision of a jungle cat," Gour Ghosh, his brother, said.

Local television pictures showed the cow grabbing and eating a chicken in seconds and a vet confirmed the case.

"We think lack of vital minerals in the body is causing this behavior. We have taken a look and have asked doctors to look into the case immediately," Mihir Satpathy, a district veterinary officer, said by phone.

"This strange behavior is possible in some exceptional cases," Satpathy said.

Hundreds of villagers flocked to Chandpur on Wednesday to catch a glimpse of Lal, enjoying his bundle of green grass for a change.

"The local vets said the cow was probably suffering from a disease but others said Lal was a tiger in his previous birth," Ajit added.

© Reuters 2007. All Rights Reserved.

Ceci n'est pas une personne.

(no subject)

More ponderings from my Dad, with answers by me:

Things that make you go, "Hmmmmm....."

Can you cry under water?

Yes. Haven't you see The Little Mermaid?


How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Very. If I was murdered, it would be an assassination. If you were killed, the person would just be charged with littering, for leaving your corpse on the sidewalk.


Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

It's the "stupidity tax".


Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Yes. BTW, when you die, I'm going to make sure they heavily starch the underwear you wear for your funeral.


Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

When you factor in the average intelligence of Domino's employees it all makes sense.


What disease did cured ham actually have?

A wasting disease where the ham would rapidly disappear. It's a called Cass Elliot Syndrome.


How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

For the same reason researchers spent time determining the speed of penguin ejaculate before finding a cure for cancer.


Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

Because they were sniffling, sneezing, and coughing all night, as their Nyquil didn't do shit for them.


If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?



Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

The screens bigger. You try to fit IN a 27" CRT.


Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Because if people have money, they will spend it.


Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

So you have a chance to politely hide the "racing stripe" on your undies.


Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Because it's womens clothing. Mens clothing make sense.


Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

It for those occasions when you want to collect the insurance money on your house.


If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Let's just say the 1840's wasn't the most exciting years.


Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?



If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Trapped on a deserted Island with Mary Jane and Ginger? Who the hell want's to be rescued?


Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

Goofy knew how to beg.


If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

What's the fun in that?


If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

The same factory as Girl Scout Cookies.


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Suddenly I understand how the religious right came about.


Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?



Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Because it finally got the tune to "It's A Small World" out of my head.


Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Don't even get me started on Uranus....


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Your breath stinks.
Ceci n'est pas une personne.

(no subject)

I think my journal just got spammed!

I'd hate to block anonymous comments, so that's how Louis comments, but if more spam shows up, Imight have to put some restrictions in place.

On top of that, the comments section of my image site have been spammed recently (I''ve just been deleting the spam comments).

I think I might suggest to the LJ community that they allow people to enable spam filters for comments, complete with white lists, black lists, and banning words/phrases/urls/IPs/etc.

If LJ was to impliment some sort of spam filtering, how would you like to see it enabled? I figure if I get feed back now, my suggestion will be less likely to be rejected.