My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said - Well, you succeeded.
He said - Two inches more and I would be king.
She said - Two inches less, and you'd be queen.
On wall in ladies room "My husband follows me everywhere..."
Written just below it - "I do not"
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard.