Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.
How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the newspaper?
What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.
What did the terrorist that hijacked a jumbo-jet full of lawyers do?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?
Not enough cement.
What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?
One is a bloodsucking parasite, the other is an insect.
Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey got first choice!
The Rabbi's Wisdom
The owner of a well-established, very well respected, third generation, family-owned garment business met with his Board of Directors. Due to the recession, business had been very bad. Sales were down and costs were up.
The owner and his wife had poured every penny they had back into the business in the hope of keeping it afloat, but still things looked very precarious. The Board of Directors offered no solutions, so as a last resort the owner decided to seek advice from his Rabbi. , With tears running down his face, he poured out the story about the three generations of family sacrifice that had gone into building this once-thriving business. He ended by asking plaintively, "So Rabbi, what should I do?"
The Rabbi, a very old and wise man, said nothing for a long time, and then quietly intoned: "So here's vat I vant you should do. Get a beach chair, and a Bible. Put dem in your car. Drive down to the waters edge. Sit in dis beach chair vit the Bible open on your lap, and let the vind from the sea rifle the pages of the open Bible ..."
"Yes Rabbi ... yes?!..." encouraged the business owner, completely at a loss for any better ideas.
"... and ven the pages stop turning in the vind, I vant you should look down at dat page, and read the first thing you see. And dat vill be vat you must do." pronounced the Rabbi with great certainty.
A year passes ... and the business owner (not a very religious man)returns to pay a visit to the Rabbi. The man is wearing a brand new $2000 handmade Italian suit; his wife looked stunning in her new mink coat; they had driven to see the Rabbi in their brand BMW 740i Sedan. The business owner discretely pulled the Rabbi aside and slipped an envelope to him, stuffed with money.
"Rabbi" he whispered, "this is a little something for you and your wife, and here's also a check for $25,000 for your congregation.".
The Rabbi, although very old, remembered the man.
"So, you did vat I said?"
"You vent to the beach?"
"Yes I did!"
"And you sat in the beach chair vit the Bible open on your lap?"
"Yes Rabbi. Absolutely!"
"And you let the vind rifle through the pages until they stopped?"
"And vat vere the first words that you read on that page?".
Painting the Porch . . .
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman, and started canvassing a well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde after looking about, said, "How about 50 dollars?
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband "Does she realize that the porch
goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied "She should, she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"
"No....I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the 'dumb blonde'
e-mail we've been receiving."
A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
Yes" the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
Men vs. Women
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says, "I'll miss you."
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack said as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor.
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said - Well, you succeeded.
He said - Two inches more and I would be king
She said - Two inches less, and you'd be queen
On wall in ladies room "My husband follows me everywhere..."
Written just below it, "I do not"
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart all night.
He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
Oh, those Irishmen!!!
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and you can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order."
O'Malley was shocked and saddened. But, being of solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. To his son, who had been waiting, O'Malley said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."
After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their condolences and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."