Words of wisdom
- Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
- Some people are like Slinkies . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
- I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
- The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
- Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.
- According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
- Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
- Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
- In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
- Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
- There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
- You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. At the very least you have to pay a fine. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest getting impatient said, "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly...but on leaving the bus he leaned over and said, "Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."
It's tough being a man.
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay,this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self-defense.
If you make a decision without consulting her,you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy,that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.
NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN! THEY WANT TO!!
Old, but good...
For those of you that can appreciate a good response on an exam Question
requiring an expert level of BS mixed with very sound logic.
Subject: The temperature in Hell
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm. The answer was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (givesoff heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefsusing Boyle's Law,(gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: "First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing with time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of These religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will Go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell. Because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
- If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the
temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
- Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature And pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year-- "...that it will be a
Cold day in Hell before I sleep with you."-- and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true; and thus I am sure that Hell is Exothermic and will not freeze."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A" GIVEN
A great Halloween costume...
Supposedly a real beer ad, but I have my dounts...
Anyway, that is for now, Heather is here to take me home.