Simply quack-tacular. And now for some jokes and other stuff from… - Me And My Quirky Quarks. — LiveJournal
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Dec. 10th, 2002 @ 11:46 am (no subject)
Simply quack-tacular.

And now for some jokes and other stuff from my Dad...

"Brain Test (use it or lose it)"

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise
of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important
that we keep mentally alert. The saying; "If you
don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain,
so........ Below is a very private way to gauge your
loss or non-loss of intelligence.

So take the following test presented here and
determine if you are losing it or are still "with it."

The spaces below are so you don't see the answers
until you have made your own.....

OK, relax, clear your mind and....... begin.
  1. What do you put in a toaster?

    The answer is "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread," go to Question 2.
  2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?

    Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as "Children's World." If you said, "water" then proceed to Question 3.
  3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?

    Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," what the devil are you still doing here reading these questions????? If you said "glass," then go on to Question 4.
  4. Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land?"

    Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question.
  5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?

    Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree," you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.
  6. Without using a calculator -- You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get in. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

    Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember? It was YOU, you dummy. My twelve-year old got it! :-)

Optical illusions...

Political Wisdom

  • A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. --George Bernard Shaw
  • A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. --G. Gordon Liddy
  • Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. --James Bovard (1994)
  • Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. --Douglas Casey (1992)
  • Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. --P.J. O'Rourke
  • Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. --Frederic Bastiat
  • Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -- Ronald Reagan (1986)
  • I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. --Will Rogers
  • If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free. --P.J. O'Rourke
  • If you want government to intervene domestically, you're a liberal. If you want government to intervene overseas, you're a conservative. If you want government to intervene everywhere, you're a moderate. If you don't want government to intervene anywhere, you're an extremist. --Joseph Sobran (1995)
  • In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. --Voltaire (1764)
  • Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you. --Pericles (430 B.C.)
  • No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session. --Mark Twain (1866)
  • Suppose you were an idiot - And suppose you were a member of Congress...but I repeat myself. --Mark Twain
  • Talk is cheap-except when Congress does it.
  • The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. --Ronald Reagan
  • The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. --Winston Churchill
  • The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. --Mark Twain
  • The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.--Herbert Spencer (1891)
  • There is no distinctly native American criminal class save Congress. --Mark Twain
  • There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences. --P.J. O'Rourke (1993)
  • We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. --Winston Churchill
  • What this country needs is more unemployed politicians. --Edward Langley
  • When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators --P.J. O'Rourke

What's in a name?

Goldie, a recently widowed lady, was sitting on a towel on a Florida beach near Venice.  She looked up and noticed that an elderly gentleman had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby, and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.  "Hello, sir," she began, "How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he said and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach.  Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes," he answered, continuing to read.

Goldie persisted.  "Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, he threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, whipped off both their swimsuits, and gave her the most passionate ride of her life.

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that is what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?

Female Gorilla

A small, rural West Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem, the gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part time, redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.

Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?

Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."

The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Ed, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."

Quick Comebacks!

  1. Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
  2. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
  3. The proctologist called, they found your head.
  4. Everyone ! has a photographic memory; some just don't have film
  5. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
  6. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
  7. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
  8. Hang up and drive.
  9. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
  10. Heart Attacks... God's revenge for eating his animal friends.
  11. Try not to let your mind wander. It's too small to be out by it's self.
  12. Don't like my driving? Then quite watching me.
  13. Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
  14. Welcome to America. Now speak English.
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