Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one."
"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough."
"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
The dangers of drinking beer.
A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time...and maybe do it several times a day.
Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year..... maybe on your anniversary.
The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?"
His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."
"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.
"Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom.... And she yells, 'F**k You!!!!!' and I holler back, 'F**k
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she
dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? "
Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?"
"WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.
Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble (or perhaps has a computer program that does the heavy lifting). Wait till you see the last one!
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
EVANGELIST: When you rearrange the letters: EVIL'S AGENT
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
And for the grand finale: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you rearrange the letters. (With no letters left over and using each letter only once): TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS, Yep!
Top 10 Ways To Tell Someone Their Zipper Is Unzipped...
By David Letterman ....
10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson...Paging Mr. Johnson.
6. Elvis has left the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars .. but I can see something that rhymes with Venus
And the #1 Way to tell someone their zipper is unzipped
1. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary".
Steven Wright's one-liners
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy who once said "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."
Here are some more of his gems...
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. (Think about it some more.)
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.
1st Hillbilly: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner.."
2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?"
1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"
2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!"
1st Hillbilly: "why is that so stupid?"
2nd Hillbilly: "cause we ain't got no plummin'!"
3rd Hillbilly : "that ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together!...I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condons in thar."
1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "well what's so dumb about that?"
3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker!"
An oldie, but with a different punch line.
Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast, give thanks, and eat turkey."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and we exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.
The third blonde said she knew about Easter. St. Peter said, "So, tell me."
She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans Hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder.
St. Peter said, "Very good."
Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."
St. Peter fainted.
Looking for trouble.
An obviously drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar, and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table.
He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest looking one in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway butt naked. Man, she is a fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused because he is a bad ass, and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your Grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really pissed, but the biker
Still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders and says, "Damn it, grandpa, you're drunk....... Go home!"
1. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
2. A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
3. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered
dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
4. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
5. Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west.
It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression; "He who has a Tates is lost!"
6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine
man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on....
8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes out of its butt."
Who was the first person to look at a raw olive and say, "Boy, I'll this will taste good if I soak it lye for a couple of weeks?"
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed, if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
What do you call male ballerinas?
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
Long ago there lived an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado. He was a manly man's man, who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed "Bring me my red shirt."
The first mate quickly retrieved the Captain's red shirt, and the Captain wore the brightly colored frock as he led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.
That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph. One of the men asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man.
At dawn the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared at the Captain in worshipful silence and waited for his usual orders.
Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."
THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula."
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister and was a sniper in Vietnam.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
Now you know everything. ....You could be a TEENAGER!
I'm sure most of these "facts" are made up, so don't bug me with corrections. :P