Thoughts on my break up...
I think the problem I have is feelings and understanding do not mesh. Especially when I do not have the right perspective.
Heather is 21 and going off to colege. This is her time in life to escape and explore. This I do understand. She wants the freedom to see others without hurting my feelings. I'm not sure what she is hoping to learn, but it is something she feels she needs to do. There is understanding.
The problem is the feelings and emotional ties do not agree. I love her. I want to be with her. If she is with others and she is with me, it makes me feel I have failed and I can not satisfy her. If she leaves me, it is the same feeling. And then, after she leaves me and she sees others, it adds the feeling of being replaced and not needed or wanted. Basicly, abandonment issues.
Luckly, today I saw a post by aaangyl. It's covering points concerning Jung's philosphies:
"Jung suggests we say an unconditional yes to the givens of existence without protest or blame. In so doing we find the best of religion and depth psychology. For instance, we learn the following:
- Everything changes and ends -- yet can be renewed. This knowledge is our entry into the archetype of resurrection.
- Suffering is a part of growth -- yet we keep finding ways to bring good from evil. This opens the archetype of redemption.
- Things do not always go according to plan -- yet we can find the equanimity to say yes to what is and thanks for has been. This opens the archetype of synchronicity and of a divine plan that makes our destiny larger than we ever imagined.
- Life is not always fair -- yet we can be fair and even generous. This gives us the sense of justice and strengthens our commitment to fight for it, in keeping with the archetypes of karma and of atonement and forgiveness.
- People are not always loving and loyal all the time -- yet we do not have to retaliate but can act with love and loyalty while never giving up on others. This opens the archetype of unconditional love."
- How To Be An Adult In Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving by David Richo
These are good points, and here is how I think they apply to me or I can encorporate them:
- Everything changes and ends -- yet can be renewed. "Every end is a new beginning," as the song says. This opens oppertunities for myself. Perhaps we will be together in the end, but nothing is accomplished by fighting the fact it has ended, or moping over it. I should be moving forward. Meeting new people and doing new things.
- Suffering is a part of growth -- yet we keep finding ways to bring good from evil. A farm prunes trees to encourage growth. This hurts the tree, but makes it stronger. Is the farmer evil for inflicting pain? Or good for strengthing the tree? This hurts both Heather and I, and this will force us to mature and grow. Is she evil for this? No. She is like the farmer pruning limbs. Do I wish she was still with me? Yes, just like a tree (if it was entient) would still want it's limbs.
- Things do not always go according to plan -- yet we can find the equanimity to say yes to what is and thanks for has been. One must accept what life deals them. To fight this hurts Heather and I, and stunts or prevents recovery.
- Life is not always fair -- yet we can be fair and even generous. It sucks. It sucks big time, but if I sit here and whine, does it fix anything? Does it bring her back? No, if anything it would drive her and others away. They say misery loves company, but do you like hanging out with miserable people? And if no one wants to be with you because you are miserable, doesn't that just make you more miserable? Accepting failure with grace will improve your chances of future success.
- People are not always loving and loyal all the time -- yet we do not have to retaliate but can act with love and loyalty while never giving up on others. Do I hate Heather? No. Am I hurt? Yes. But she is hurt also. And if I hate her, again, what does it accomplish? When a dog is hurt, it will snap at it's owner. The pain and frustration make it angery. It's my first reaction to lash out at Heather. This only makes her hate me. This does not help me or her. It's hard not lashing out, and sometimes a snide comment might leak out. But this is a reaction to pain, and the preceived source of the pain. The only cure for the pain is letting go. She needs to love hers and be loyel to her self first, in all things. In this case that means doing, what I might percieve, in my pain, as her not loving me or being disloyal to me. This is not the case, she is just keeping her priorities in order.
These are things I need to keep in mind. Do I want to be friends with her? Yes. Do I hurt? Yes. Will seeing her with other people hurt? Yes. But these are things I need to deal with and keep in mind that these are not actions against me, but for herself. It will be very hard at times keeping this in mind, but it's what I need to do.