A Quark of A Different Spin. (adameros) wrote,
A Quark of A Different Spin.

Some sick and twisted jokes...

[WARNING: Many of these jokes are racest, sexist, gross, homophobic, and in just plain bad taste. Read them at your own risk. A small minority of the jokes I found funny, most or just wrong. Why am I passing them on? I'm just too lazy to do the editing.]

  1. Q: What do pedophiles like about halloween?
    A: Free delivery.
  2. Q: What's more fun than spinning a baby on clothes line?
    A: Stopping it with a shovel.
  3. Q: What's red and lies in all four corners of the room?
    A: A baby that's been playing with a chain saw.
  4. Q: Why do Jews have big noses?
    A: Air is free.
  5. Q: How do you spoil a baby?
    A: Leave it out in the sun.
  6. Q: What is grosser than gross?
    A: Having a dream about chocolate pudding and then waking up with a spoon in your ass.
  7. Q: Why did the Mexican, want to trade his wife for an outhouse?
    A: The hole was smaller and it didn't stink as bad!
  8. Q: Why do Mexicans always have tamales for Christmas dinner?
    A: So they'll have something to unwrap!
  9. Q: How do you start a mexican parade?
    A: Roll a quarter down a street.
  10. Q: Why are there no Mexicans on Star Trek?
    A: They don't work in the future either.
  11. Q: Why are there no Mexican Paratroopers?
    A: It's against international law to throw trash out of a plane.
  12. Q: What do you call a brick building full of mexicans?
    A: Jail.
  13. Q: What is the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a southern?
    A: One starts with "Once upon a time" and the other is "y'all aint gonna believe this shit."
  14. Q: Whats red, slimy, and crawls up a womans leg?
    A: A homesick abortion
  15. Q: What does Princess Diana and a bottle of French wine have in common?
    A: They both came from France in a wooden box.
  16. Q: What's the difference between a Mercedes and Princess Diana?
    A: A Mercedes will easily reach 40.
  17. Q: What's the difference between Mother Theresa and Diana?
    A: About 5 days.
  18. Q: What's the one thing that attracts Diana more than a wealthy Egyptian?
    A: A solidly-built Pole.
  19. Q: What do you give the princess who has everything?
    A: A seatbelt and an airbag.
  20. Q: Where does Princess Di stay when in Paris?
    A: Any place she can crash.
  21. Q: Why did the princess cross the road?
    A: Because she wasn't wearing her seat belt.
  22. Q: Whats the hardest part of a vegetable?
    A: The wheelchair.
  23. Q: What do you do when you see an epileptic having a bath?
    A: Chuck in all your washing.
  24. Q: How do you get a dead baby across the street?
    A: Staple it to a chicken.
  25. Q: How do you get all of the mexicans out of your neigborhood?
    A: Hide all of the good cardboard boxes
  26. Q: How do you make a black person nervous?
    A: Take him to an auction
  27. Q: How do you kill a West Indian?
    A: Smash the toilet seat on his head while he's having a drink
  28. Q: What do Puerto Ricans say during foreplay?
    A: "If you scream *****, I'll kill you"
  29. Q: What is white, red, and peels itself?
    A: A white guy trying to get a tan
  30. Q: When can you spit a russian women in her face?
    A: When her moustache is on fire.
  31. Q: When is a Mexican allowed to carry a knife?
    A: When its in his back
  32. Q: What do you call a black priest?
    A: Holy shit.
  33. Q: What do you tell a black jew?
    A: Get in the back of the oven!
  34. Q: Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
    A: Someone dropped a quarter
  35. Q: How many jews can you fit into a car?
    A: 6 million and 5 - 2 in the front, 3 in the back, 6 million in the ash tray.
  36. Q: What do you get when an epileptic falls into a lettuce patch?
    A: Seizure salad.
  37. Q: How do you make your wife scream after sex for an hour?
    A: Wipe your dick on the curtains
    Q: How do you make your wife scream louder?
    A: ***** her in the ass and THEN wipe your dick on the curtains
  38. Q: How many babies does it take to tile a roof?
    A: Twenty if you slice them thin enough.
  39. Q: What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid who got cancer for Xmas get for his birthday?
    A: Nothing, he died.
  40. Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
    A: The cake jumps out of the girl.
  41. Q: How do you make a horse drink?
    A: Put it in a blender
  42. Q: What do you call a 300 pound woman?
    A: Fat
  43. Q: Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?
    A: They keep falling through the holes in his hands
  44. Q: What do a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
    A: By the time you've finished on the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box for the bone.
  45. Q: How does a faget fake an orgasm?
    A: Pour yogurt on his partners back.
  46. Q: Two fagets were having sex and a fire started in their house, which one escaped first - the one on the bottom or the one on top?
    A: The one on the bottom, cos he's shit was already packed.
  47. Q: What do you call an Ethiopian taking a shit?
    A: A show-off
  48. Q: What is worse than 10 dead babies in a garbage can?
    A: One dead baby in a ten garbage cans
  49. Q: What is worse than a dead baby in a garbage can?
    A: Ten dead babies in a garbage can
  50. Q: What did Dodi say to his chaffeur?
    A: "Do you want to come to Paris with me and Di?"
  51. Q: Why did God invent lesbianism?
    A: So feminists couldn't breed.
  52. Q: What is the difference between Jews in Nazi Germany and school bullies after the outcasts' takeover?
    A: The bullies deserve it!
  53. Q: On the highway there are a dead rat and a dead school bully. What is the difference?
    A: There are skid marks in front of the rat!
  54. Q: What did Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold have in common with the Columbine cheerleaders?
    A: They all made the jocks run faster!
  55. Q: How do you get a leper out of a bath?
    A: With a shovel.
  56. Q: What do you call six wheelchairs on top of each other?
    A: A vegetable rack.
  57. Q: What's the difference between a lesbian and a Pringle?
    A: One is a snack cracker, the other is a crack snacker.
  58. Q: What's the difference between a mugger and a peeping Tom?
    A: A mugger snatches watches
  59. Q: Why would a guy give his wife a pair of slippers and a dildo for her birthday?
    A: Because if she doesn't like the slippers she can go and ***** herself.
  60. Q: What is the definition of disgusting?
    A: Siamese twins joined by the mouth, and one throws up.
  61. Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
    A: His wife died.
  62. Q: Why does the bride always wear white?
    A: Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
  63. Q: What's the difference between E.T. and a Mexican?
    A: E.T. got the message and went home.
  64. Q: What do you do with a one legged dog?
    A:Take it for a drag.
  65. Q: How many L.A.P.D. police officers does it take to beat the hell out of a gang member?
    A: None, he fell down.
  66. Q: What does a redneck call safe sex?
    A: Marking the sheep that kick.
  67. Q: What's the difference between a pizza and a jew?
    A: A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.
  68. Q: What do you call 10,000 Mexicans at the bottom of the ocean?
    A: A good start.
  69. Q: What do you call a car with 2 Mexicans in the front and three Puerto Ricans in the trunk thats going off a cliff?
    A: A damn shame... you could have fit four more in the trunk.
  70. Q: What did the Mexican kid down the street get for christmas?
    A: My bike.
  71. Q: Why can't Christ walk on water?
    A: Holes in his feet.
  72. Q: Did you hear about the faget that got fired from the sperm bank?
    A: He was caught drinking on the job.
  73. Q: How do you know if a Redneck is a bad father?
    A: He lets his 12 year old smoke in front of their kids
  74. Q: How many men does it take to change the kitchen light bulb?
    A: None, let the ***** cook in the dark
  75. Q: How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?
    A: None. It should be open when the woman brings it to him
  76. Q: How do you stop Superman from moving?
    A: Tape his mouth shut.
  77. Q: What's yellow and goes, "cheep cheep"?
    A: A Chinese prostitute.
  78. Q: How do you make a lump of fat look good?
    A: Put a nipple on it.
  79. Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?" The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."
  80. Q: Why is a necrophiliac like a grave digger?
    A: They both dig dead people's holes
  81. The abbreviations for Princess Diana and Dodi:
    DODI = Died On Dashboard Impact
    DIANA = Died In A Nasty Accident
  82. Q: Why should you put a baby in a blender feet first ?
    A: So you can watch it's expression change.
  83. Q: What's small, red, and can't turn corners?
    A: A baby with a javelin through its head.
  84. Q: What is pink, red and silver and bumps into walls?
    A: A baby with forks in it's eyes
  85. Q: What's the bad news about being a test tube baby?
    A: You know for sure that your dad is a wanker.
  86. Q: Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
    A: It changes their blood type.
  87. Q: What do you call a redneck who doesn't ***** his sister?
    A: An only child.
  88. Q: Why is a laundry mat a bad place for a guy to pick up women?
    A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
  89. Q: Why do dogs lick their balls?
    A: Because they can.
  90. Q: What is the difference between Prince Charles and OJ Simpson?
    A: Prince Charles' (ex)wife was killed by a white man in a black car.
  91. Q: How do you know if your roommate is gay?
    A: His dick tastes like shit.
  92. Q: What's sicker than driving over a baby?
    A: Skidding
    Q: What's even sicker?
    A: Picking it out of the tires
  93. Q: What's black and blue and smokes in the corner?
    A: A baby chewing on an extension cord.
  94. Q: How do you circumcise a redneck?
    A: Kick his sister in the chin.
  95. Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter?
    A: The dishes if she knows what's good for her.
  96. Q: What does a def, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas.
    A: Cancer.
  97. Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics?
    A: Not being retarded.
  98. Q: What is the difference between a paedophile and acne ?
    A: Acne waits until your 12 before it comes on your face.
  99. Q: What is the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
    A: You cant gargle sand.
  100. Q: What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night ?
    A: Crib death.
  101. Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
    A: Dress her up as an alter boy
  102. Q : What do you do after raping a deaf, dumb and blind girl?
    A : Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone.
  103. Q: What's the worst thing about eating vegetables?
    A: Putting them back in the wheelchair when you're done.
  104. Q: Why is anal sex better then normal sex?
    A: It's warm, it's tight and more degrading to women.
  105. Q: Why didn't Superman rescue Princess Diana from the clutches of death?
    A: Because he's in a wheelchair.
  106. Q: What's black and blue and hates sex?
    A: A rape victim.
  107. Q: What's the worst part about ***** a 5 year old?
    A: Getting the blood off of your clown costume....
  108. Q: What do you call 5 lepers in a hot-tub?
    A: Stew.
  109. Q: What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?
    A: The prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.
  110. Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blow-job?
    A: You know she'll swallow.
  111. Q: What would Princess Diana be doing if she were alive today?
    A: Clawing at the lid of her coffin.
  112. Q: Why do the Scottish wear kilts?
    A: Because a sheep can hear a zipper from like a mile away.
  113. Q: What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in common?
    A: They don't ***** listen.
  114. Q: Why do women have breasts?
    A: So men will know to whom to pay the lower salaries.
  115. Q: What has 69 balls and screws old women?
    A: Keno.
  116. Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
    A: It doesn't matter. It's not going to come to you anyway.
  117. Q: What's the first thing a redneck says after losing her virginity?
    A: Get off of me Dad, you're crushing my cigarettes.
  118. Q: What's black and has 23 tits?
    A: The garbage bag outside of a cancer clinic.
  119. Q: What's the worst thing about a lung transplant?
    A: Coughing up someone else's phlegm.
  120. Q: What does Superman eat for breakfast?
    A: Kryptonite, by the looks of him.
  121. Q: What do you do with a one legged dog?
    A: Take it for a drag.
  122. Q. What is the difference between ***** and apple pie?
    A. It's ok to eat your Mom's apple pie.
  123. Q: What do fat people do in the summertime?
    A: Stink
  124. Q: How do you know when a redneck has her period?
    A: She's only wearing one sock.
  125. Q: What do you say to a woman with no arms or legs?
    A: 'Nice tits'
  126. Q: How do you punish a leper?
    A: Make them do jumping jacks till something falls off.
  127. Q: What do you call an Ethiopian on a hunger strike?
    A: Ethiopian
  128. Q: What's the difference between a bag-lady and a hockey player?
    A: A hockey player changes his pads after every three periods.
  129. Q: What did the pedophile say when he was released from prison?
    A: "I feel like a kid again."
  130. Q: What's better than 2 x 18 year olds in bed?
    A: 18 x 2 year olds.
  131. Q: What's the worst part about ***** a 3 year old?
    A: Hearing her pelvis crack.
  132. Q: What's the best part about raping a 6 year old in the ass?
    A: Watching her breakdown and cry on the witness stand.
  133. Q: How do you make a baby cry twice?
    A: Wipe your bloody ***** on his teddy bear
  134. Q: What's red, bubbly, and scratches at the window before exploding?
    A: A baby in a microwave.
  135. Q: How do you stop a baby from choking?
    A: Take your dick out of its mouth.
  136. Q: What's blue and orange and lies at the bottom of a swimming pool?
    A: A baby with burst armbands.
  137. Q: What's the difference between a baby and a grandmother?
    A: Grandmothers don't die when you ***** them in the ass
  138. Q: What's funnier than a dead baby?
    A: A dead baby sitting next to a kid with down syndrome.
  139. Q. What's the difference between a dead baby and an onion.
    A. You don't cry when you chop up a dead baby.
  140. Q: What's grosser than gross?
    A: A garbage can full of dead babies.
    Q: What's grosser than that?
    A: The one at the bottom is still alive.
    Q: What's grosser than that?
    A: He has to eat his way to freedom.
    Q: What's grosser than that?
    A: He goes back for more.
  141. Q: Why did the Baby fall out of the Tree?
    A: Because he was DEAD!
  142. Q: What's Superman's new weakness?
    A: Everything.
  143. Q: What's the title Christopher Reeves' next movie?
    A: Superman Gets a Good Parking Spot.
  144. Q: What do paedophiles and turtles have in common?
    A: They both want to get there before the hare!
  145. Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
    A. Well aren't all kitchen appliances that colour?
  146. Q. What do you call two lesbians with their period?
    A. Finger painting.
  147. Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
    A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.
  148. Q: What's the best thing about a blow job?
    A: Ten minutes of silence!
  149. Q. Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
    A. Because women wouldn't do them if they were called ***** scrapes.
  150. Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?
    A. It doesn't need cleaning.
  151. Q. Why do men die before their wives?
    A. They want to.
  152. Q. Why do women have small feet?
    A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
  153. Q. What's the difference between love and herpes?
    A. Love doesn't last forever.
  154. Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
    A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
  155. Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
    A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
  156. Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
    A. A navel.

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