One misty Scottish morning a man was driving through the hills to Inverness.
Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander stepped into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four and has the appearance of a walking wardrobe. He has a huge red beard and despite the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle. At the roadside there also stands a young women. She is absolutely beautiful - slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair....... heart stopping.
The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham.
"Right, you Jimmy" he shouts, "Ah want you to masturbate",
"But......" stammers the driver.
"Du it now...or I'll bluddy kill yer!"
So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside this doesn't take him long.
"Right" snarls the highlander "Du it again!"
"But....." says the driver.
So the driver does it again.
"Right laddie, du it again" demands the highlander.
This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, has violent knob-ache, his sight is failing (as promised for years by his priest) and despite the cold wind has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand.
"Du it again" says the highlander.
"I can't do it anymore - you'll just have to kill me", whimpers the man.
The highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside. "All right laddie," he says, "NOW you can give ma daughter a lift to Inverness".