A Quark of A Different Spin. (adameros) wrote,
A Quark of A Different Spin.
adameros

From fourcorners:

Super Hero Teams to Join....and Avoid
I was reading someone on a fax somewhere, and it said Captain Hakku, but in the squiggly writing, I first thought it said Captain Haiku. I thought it was kind of amusing, and inspired me to make this particular post

Congratulations! You've just developed super powers, and designed your own costume. Now, it's time to join a super hero group to fight crime. There's many groups out there, and it can be kind of tough to decide which group is for you. Here's some clues you can use to pick a good team, and some warning signs so you can avoid a bad team

Good names for team roster members:
Superman
Batman
Captain America
Wonder Woman
The Mighty Thor

Bad names for team roster members:
Repressed Hostility Man
Butterman
Captain Haiku
Mr. Turncoat
The Mighty Taffy

Good words to find in the team name (like Justice League America):
Justice
Truth
Equity
Protection
Patriots

Bad words to find in the team name:
Castration
Oppression
Death
Fisting
Kinky

Good work guidelines in a super hero team:
Capturing evil doers
Protecting the innocent
Stopping crime
Preventing disaster
Saving the world

Bad work guidelines in a super hero group:
Violently assaulting jaywalkers
Rounding up one race or social group for extermination
Watching afternoon soaps
Spanking evil doers so they'll think twice next time
3 hour martini lunches and happy hour

Good features in a superhero lair:
Protective forcefield
Team hovercraft with escape-velocity
High-tech, state-of-the-art computer system
Latest advances on security, including voice recognition
Well-stocked, high-quality medical room with cutting-edge machinery

Bad features in a superhero lair:
Key to lair hidden under mat at the back door
Convenient bus route
Laptop owned by Major Pole Vaulter's kid sister, but he brings it in when she goes to sleep
Condom dispensor in men's room
Tin of Power Rangers band-aids

Good public appearances by superhero team:
Opening of new wing in hospital
Award assembly for heroic police officer
Orphanages
Welcoming soldiers back from war
Mayor's speech on public unity

Bad public appearances by superhero team:
AAA meeting
COPS tv show getting arrested
Peep show in back of adult bookstore
Passed out on subway
Michael Jackson's ranch during boy scout sleepover

Good powers to have on your super hero team:
Able to bend bars and leap tall buildings in a single bound
Proficient in 20 martial arts, Olympic-caliber athlete
Super speed
Power ring capable of creating anything
Mental powers

Bad powers to have on your super hero team:
Able to summon and command snails
Super ability in pogo sticking
Earsplitting yodelling
X-ray vision...and nothing else
Super strength...but just in their left hand

Good affectations found in team costumes:
Cape
Utility belt
The sword Excalibur
Magic lasso that makes people tell the truth
Inpenetratable shield

Bad affectations found in team costumes:
Chaps
Chastity belt
Sniper rifle, telescopic lens, and list of specific people who need to 'pay'
Non-magical lasso
Wife beater

Good heroic exclamations said by team members:
It's clobbering time!
By Zeus' beard!
Flame on!
Wondertwin powers, Activate!
SHAZAM!

Bad heroic exclamations said by team members:
HELP!!
Nice jugs!
I'm going to rip your friggin' balls off and make you eat them, fuckface!
Sperm on!
SHIZNIT!

Good locations for super hero base:
Middle of downtown
Hidden cave or mountaintop
Orbiting satellite in space
Secluded island in the bay
Secret headquarters under the ocean, surrounded by forcefield

Bad locations for super hero base:
Mini-mall
Back of strip club
The projects
Yakman's mother's house (on Thursdays)
Secret headquarters under the ocean (no forcefield)

and finally

Good stories of super hero team in newspaper:
Team stops bank robbery
Team saves family from burning house
Team foils Dr.Chaos from destroying City Hall
Team prevents prison break
Team captures violent gang

Bad stories of super hero team in newspaper:
Captain North Dakota arrested for indecent exposure in playground
Team sued by family for accidently setting their house on fire
Team nowhere to be found as Professor Darkness destroyed state monument
Founding member White Fist leads KKK march in DC
The Amazing Aardvark stars in gay bukkake porno

It looks like a LOT more fun being a bad super hero. ;)
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