A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A string walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve strings here."He crumples him up and tosses him out onto the sidewalk where he gets all scraped up and tangled. The string walks right back in and orders a drink. Amazed, the bartender asks, "Hey, aren't you that same string I just threw out?" The string answers, "No, I'm a frayed knot!"
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed; is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up
and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it too.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A f sh.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "dam".