HOROSCOPES FOR THE WEEK
Pisces (Feb. 23 – March 20): You’ll be amazed this week when David Blane does absolutely nothing and still makes more money than you.
Aries (March 21 – April 20):Being smart is sexy, being smart enough to know that catch phrases and fill-in-the-blanks are stupid in personals is sexier.
Taurus (April 21 – May 20): ): Whoever said ‘you can’t get something for nothing’ was never Carrot Top’s agent.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Heartache lasts only as long as it takes you to plot revenge.
Cancer (June 22 – July 20): Liquor before beer, never fear. Beer before liquor, you’ll get there much quicker. Liquor before pot, your night’s completely shot.
Leo (July 21 – Aug. 21): Never believe anything a mime mimes to you. They lie.
Virgo (Aug. 22 – Sept. 20): This week you’ll be shocked to realize that having 5 million people in your Personal Friendster Network was just a computer glitch and you actually have never even signed up.
Libra (Sept. 21 – Oct. 22): Those who live in glass houses should really buy shades.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 23): The only time it’s appropriate to say ‘I want 87 billion dollars’ is when you're telling the genie from Aladdin’s lamp your wish.
Sagittarius (Nov. 24 – Dec. 24): : You’ll realize this week that all you ever really needed to know in life you learned from Fox’s Animals Gone Wild.
Capricorn (Dec. 25 – Jan. 21): You can’t take it with you when you die, but you sure as hell can have it buried with you so no one else can play with it.
Aquarius (Jan. 22 – Feb. 22): You can’t judge a book by its cover unless it’s a Tom Clancy book. Then you pretty much know what you’re getting.