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Nov. 8th, 2003 @ 08:42 am (no subject)
This is just an observation of mine. Please feel free to correct me. I promise to listen to your comments, even though we all know I'm right.

Have you noticed, on livejournal and other blog/bulletin-board services who people will plea for sex? While sometimes girls do this, it seems to mostly be a guy thing. A guy thing that does not work, and I'm here to explain why.

Like most guys, I have heard women complain that they are lonely, they want sex, and there is just no one available. This is easily misunderstood. I know you are thinking, "I'm not bad looking, and I'm a nice guy." That's not what they are looking for when they make that statement. Let's run it through the Bubbler Fish * translator and see what they are really saying; "There is no uber rich guy out there who looks like Brad Pit (or other male diva of your choice) who will wait on my hand and foot and loves to go shoe shopping with me." An easy testosterone mistake to make.

I think another part of the problem lies in mens misunderstanding the role shoe play in womens live. Women, like men, have a hunter gather instinct. It comes out when shoe shopping. When they see "Shoe Sale", it stirs this instinct. While you might think seeing a guy waving a sign that says "Booty Sale" might stir the same emotions, it does not. You see, when a woman goes to a shoe sale, there is the challenge of finding the right shoe, the heat of battling with other shoppers, and the pleasure for forcing some guy to literally wait on you hand and foot (his hand, her foot), and finally the conquest of the getting the perfect pair of shoes (that match only one outfit, and will be worn maybe three times in her life, and cost more than four full clothing ensembles, but it was on sale so that makes it okay). When she see's the "booty sale" sign, she only observes one lonely sad guy, no challenge and no hunt. Yes, there are similarities. She will walk on shoes. She will walk all over you (not in the cool asian massage sort of way, but rather the "you are the spineless twit" sort of way). But trust me, you will never rank as highly as a Nine West or Steve Madden sale. Never.

But going back to the hunter gather aspect. When you offer yourself up for a booty call to who ever, it sends signals of desperation. Signal like a like a wounded animal gives off. While carrion eaters love this, hunters/predators like any self respecting woman is what's fresh, untainted meat. When you plea, your meat looks rotten to the core. You might be thinking you could go for the pity fuck? Forget it. The pity fuck is just a myth.

So please, do yourself a favor, do not post messages like, "Any hot women up for sex? My place tonight!" And don't think you can be sly about it, and post messages like, "Damn I'm good in bed! You know you want to try my 9 inch wonder." Women are too smart to fall for that. And you will just be further embarrassed when you try to explain the 9 is |33+ for 4.

Really, there are only two legal routes to sex. Win the lottery, get a complete make over, and liposuction, then buy her lots of stuff and learn to enjoy shoe shopping. Or become a rock star.

*Bubbler Fish translator is just like AltaVista's Babble Fish translator, but only after a couple good hits off the bubbler.
About this Entry
Ceci n'est pas une personne.
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From:clawed
Date:November 8th, 2003 01:07 pm (UTC)
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This makes me think even more that I'm the wrong gender...
I'd much rather see a 'Booty Sale' sign, if for nothing else than comedic value.
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From:adameros
Date:November 9th, 2003 08:18 pm (UTC)
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I'll see about making one, just for you. ;)
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From:siwwy_wabbit
Date:November 8th, 2003 01:44 pm (UTC)

moo

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so my brain isnt really functioning and i didnt comprehensively read over that, but yeah. im not a shoe person. hahaha. also, my general quasi-criteria [for lack of a better term] has generally been that i would be much more willing to sleep with someone if they fulfill a few requirements:

1) things wouldnt get all weird between us [assuming we are actual acquaintances..]
2) i dont hate them with a passion
3) i wont begin hating them with a passion afterwards
4) i wont hate myself with a passion even MORE afterwards
5) they will entirely understand that i will most definitely abort if by some freak instance i am impregnated, and wont hold it against me

youd think this would be fairly simple.. however, the fact that im a virgin kinda disproves that. not for lack of opportunity really, just for lack of opportunity that fits even a majority of the criteria.

&also. i saw a great magnet today. it said:

BRAINS
LOOKS
PERSONALITY
[pick any two]

/the melis
From:brutalbreasts
Date:November 9th, 2003 07:20 pm (UTC)
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That is a great theory...
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From:faeriez
Date:November 10th, 2003 12:23 pm (UTC)
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I object, mister!

1) I wear one pair of shoes. Every day. If forced to dress up, I have ONE pair of shoes that I've owned since high school and that make my feet hurt. But they're my only dress shoes, so meh. Granted, I like to look at shoes in catalogs, but I like to look at furniture in catalogs too. Doesn't mean I'm planning on buying any anytime soon. By the way, the one pair of shoes that I do wear are black Chuck Taylors. Tres chic I'm sure.

2) I have never, NEVER dated a guy that had money. I mean, generally they could cover enough for gas, a small bag and munchies. And at Oberlin, I definitely had the chance to go gold digging. Never appealed to me.

3) Make over? Liposuction? Rock stars? Okay, I like rock stars. But that's just because so many rock stars are scrawny white boys, which happens to be my thing. As for big buff beau-hunky Brad Pitt boys- um, whatev. I mean, if they're funny, they might stand a chance.

THE SHIBA SOUNDS OFF! HAHAHAHAHA!