MATTEL Announces The Release Today of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls for the Northern Californian Market:
Pleasanton Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at the Stoneridge Mall. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus, a lapdog and a cookie cutter house. Options include tummy tuck, face lift, and a workaholic Ken.
San Ramon Barbie: This trendy homemaker Barbie is available witht he Lexus SUV or Ford Windstar minivan, gets lost easily, and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold seperately. Optional matching gym outfit.
Richmond Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a low-rider Chevrolet with oversized wheels and tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Ken.
Danville Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with choice of a BMW sports car or a souped up Hummer2, Starbucks cup, credit card, and Shallow Ken.
Stockton Barbie: This white-trash model comes in Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, big hair, a six pack of Coors Light and a Hank, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and she can kick Ken's ass when she's drunk. A pickup truck is availabe with Confederate flag bumper stickers.
Tahoe Barbie: This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie still has not learned that you can't wear a leopard print ski outfit without looking passe, even if you are actually skiing.
Berkeley Barbie: This Barbie comes in two variations. One has long gray hair and archless feet, sandals with white socks, no makeup and a mutt. The other has frizzy hair, a dingy white tanktop, low cut jeans, and scratch-n-sniff armpits.
Concord Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie still has not learned that you can't wear high-heeled sandals from payless with no pedicure and without breaking a heel and falling while you chase your beer-gutted, hollow-gold-chain wearing boyfriend. Her make-up is dark red lip liner with lips covered in a sparkly pink color or no fill-in at all. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-wash jeans with assorted colored G-strings that stick out the back of her jeans and a white barely-there see-through shirt. Her long, layered hair is bleached/highlighted and BIG. Accessories include: CD-player equipped with BonJovi and a rusty old Ford pickup.
Texas Transplant Barbie: This bitch of a Barbie comes with a Ford SUV (Texas plates), a knife to stab other barbies in the back, and tons of makeup. Carnivore Ken sold separately.
Piedmont Barbie: This True Blonde shops exclusively in Walnut Creek and Carmel. She drives her Landrover (sold seperately) to the Oakland Public Library. She has an MBA from Stanford but has never worked outside the home. Her child's stroller is bigger than your house and her tennis trophies are discreetly hidden behind CEO Ken's golf trophies. She knows enough Spanish to talk with the nanny; enough Tagalog to speak to the cook; and Chinese, Vietnamese, and Korean to talk with the gardener, house painter, and housekeeper respectively. She is a lifelong member of the Junior Leqgue and her Piedmont estate on Sea View Drive is featured in Architectural Digest. Her family owns a winery in Napa, but she buys cases of "2-Buck Chuck" at Trader Joe's. Hence the need for the rear-loading Land Rover. Her dirty little secret??? She's a closet Democrat.
Mattel is working on developing an "Oakland Barbie" but she keeps getting shot.