An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" Asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"
"Dunno...Never found the head"
This pirate walks into a bar. The bartender notices that he has a steering wheel hanging out of his fly.
The bartender says, "Hey, do you realize you have a steering wheel hanging out of your fly?"
The pirate says, "Arrr... it's driving me nuts!"
A salesman was driving down the road one day when he saw a sign: "Talking Dog For Sale." He followed the arrow to a small farmhouse and got out to investigate. He was met on the porch by an old farmer in a rocking chair with an old hound at his feet.
"Does that dog really talk?" asked the salesman.
"Yep" was the farmer's simple reply.
"Do you really talk?" the salesman jokingly asked the dog.
"Yep." replied the dog.
"WOW!" exclaimed the salesman, "That's Incredible! What's your story, dog?"
The hound cleared his throat and began his tale: "Well, when they first discovered I could talk, the C.I.A. was greatly interested. They hired me to go overseas meetings with the President and the Ambassadors. When my V.I.P. had to go to the restroom or leave the room, my job was to sit around and see what the other leaders said behind his back. I was able to retrive information this way that nobody else could have gotten. That got kinda boring, so I eventually moved on to the Bomb Squad. I sniffed out some huge drug busts, found and diffused a few bombs, and saved a lot of lives. But alas, dogs age faster than humans, so eventually I just retired and made my way here to the farm to settle down and have some puppies."
The salesman was awestruck. "What an amazing tale, how much do you want for such an incredible dog?"
The old farmer just looked disgusted and said: "Ten Dollars."
Reaching for his wallet already, the salesman had to ask: "10 bucks? Why so little for such an amazing animal?"
The farmer just chuckled and said: " 'Cause he's a goddamn liar, he never did any of that shit!"
What is the ideal weight for a lawyer?
Three pounds, not including the weight of the urn.